1.24.2012

brrrrrrrrr.

i'm back from my quick trip to kansas.

it never ceases to amaze me that you can wake up in one state and go to sleep in another state.  another state that is 60 degrees warmer too.
brrrrr.  it was cold in kansas city.

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i've debated for a long time, about whether i should write about this or not.
if you've read this blog for long, you'll know i'm pretty much an open book.  but for whatever reason, this seemed so private to me.
but, it is part of my story, and this is my blog, so my feelings of "do it, do it, do it" are very strong.
so, here i go.

my mom is not doing well.
and by "not doing well" i mean she is dying.
it's so surreal for me to type that.
my 53 year old mother is dying.
it's almost harder to type that than it is to say it.  almost as if typing it makes it more permanent.

the week that miss elsa came home was the same week my mom was diagnosed with this terminal disease.  and then a few days after that was when i found out i was pregnant.
to say my year has been overwhelming, is an understatement.

i've never experienced the kind of mother/daughter relationship with her, that i've always longed for.  i think that makes this diagnosis even harder.  not only do i have to accept the reality of her leaving this earth, but i also have to accept the reality that she will never fill that mother role, that i've so desired her to fill.  that's a tough place to be.
one might say this is why i have 6 kids.  for as long as i can remember i have wanted to be a mom.  even when i was a kid, all i wanted to do was be a mom when i grew up.  that's how bad i longed for a relationship with her.  i thought, if i can't get it from her, then i'll give it to my kids.  not sure if that's the healthiest way of thinking, but here i am.  with 6 kids.



nobody knows how much longer my mom has.  maybe it's 5 years.  maybe it's 5 days.
that was the reason for my trip this weekend.  i felt a sudden urgency of needing to be out there.  i wanted her to meet olive.  i went into this weekend, praying hard that the lord would bless my time with her.  that i would be able to look past all the hurt she's put me through and just love her, just as He loves her.
i can't tell you how much my time with her meant to me.  it was as if i had new eyes on.  i was just able to sit with her, enjoy her company.  we looked through old photographs that had us laughing hysterically, then crying.  it was even hard to leave her.  that is something that i've never felt in her presence.

seeing her decline was and is extremely hard, but i am grateful that i got to see her.
i'm not sure i'll ever understand why the lord chose this path for our life.  but i'm confident that he knows what he's doing, so, onward i go.